Holly Dae Comics

Will you join me on my crazy journey?

I’m an Imposter — October 18, 2016

I’m an Imposter

hollydaeYou heard it here first, I’ve been fooling everyone. I’m a fake.

I’ve copied everything I’ve ever done from other people. I mean, I didn’t even know how to walk on my own. I watched my parents do it and thought, “hey I can do that!” I learned how to walk, talk, dress, and eat from those chumps, can you believe it? Hehe… suckers.

Obviously I’m being facetious, but I have a point. Tell me one thing, just ONE THING, that you learned how to do 100% in your own power. It’s a fact of life that we learn how to survive from our predecessors. We learn about the world, our culture, and our beliefs from our families. We don’t just paint our own canvas from scratch, there are layers upon layers, centuries of learning, that we can’t even see.

Show me a teenager who was born wearing punk/goth/emo/insert-current-trend-here clothing. Who didn’t have that first day where they were sure everyone was going to find out that they were just faking it. Sure, maybe there is the odd case where a kid was raised in a household full of goths/punks/whatevers, but I think most of us would agree that is the rare exception and not the rule.

So where do we all learn this “imposter” theory, this “poser” theory that says if we are not fully committed to a thing and it wasn’t tattooed on our bones at the age of 6 that we are somehow less than worthy. Don’t we all start somewhere?

As an artist, I’m constantly thinking thoughts like this. “I’m not as good as they are, what am I doing here?” “Why am I posting my work when it’s clearly not at the right level?” “I can’t make tutorials when my work looks like this!”

Again. We all start somewhere. An artist isn’t born an artist, I don’t care what anybody says. Maybe some children show interest/aptitude early on, but of course how their parents react and accommodate that can play a huge factor. There is no fetus that can draw a photo-realistic portrait, know what I’m saying? (But boy, wouldn’t that be an interesting ultrasound?)

Artists are a wildly self-concious bunch and self-criticism is a common complaint I see among many of them. Budding Picassos excitedly put paintbrush to canvas, only to realize that a blind squirrel could stumble through paint and make a better piece. A brave few decide to press on, and maybe even have enough courage to show other people the art that they are making. We know we are not masters, but we are excited that we created something.

Why can’t we just keep being excited about creating things? Why does there always have to be this deluge of criticism and judgement of whether we are truly artists? Artists are people who create things. People who make things that would otherwise not exist. Maybe my definition didn’t come from Webster’s, but this isn’t a graduation speech anyway.

I create things. I am an artist. Maybe not by your definition (and if that be the case, kindly stop reading my blog, please and thank you), but I want to own that label. We don’t need labels to make us happy, but I’m tired of feeling like I can’t call myself something I love. Being an artist, and calling myself out as such, helps me feel more like me.

At some point I drew in stick figures. I am slightly better than that now, and I will continue to draw those exemplary human-ish representations until they are even better than they are currently. I might have a long way to go (and I may never catch up to that en utero DaVinci) but if I stop creating things I’m pretty sure something inside of my head will explode or implode or make a general mess of your carpet.

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Old Comic — August 10, 2016

Old Comic

Okay. I haven’t been here in a while, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my comics. This might not be the right platform for posting them.

That being said I would still like to share my journey here. I’ve been doing a lot of practicing lately, getting better at drawing and coloring, etc. I’m interested in revamping an old comic of mine.

I wrote it 2-3 years ago with little planning and it shows. I changed art programs in the middle of it and the style changed drastically several times as I was experimenting with the new program. Basically it stinks.

But I think the story itself is salvageable. So with my new skills, I think I would like to take another stab at it and see if I can make it work better than the first pass (which, dear me I hope so. The first pass was pretty terrible, lol).

If anyone is interested in reading the original (it does have some nice moments, I’ve been told) it is hosted here: http://www.smackjeeves.com/comicprofile.php?id=144377

I will try and get moving on this project, but I want to have a buffer before I start posting so I’ll let you know my progress. And I will try to be less neglectful of my little blog here.

“Success Voice” activate!!!

Passing On Sunshine — March 16, 2016

Passing On Sunshine

Doing this blog might seem like a funny way to become a better wife and mother. I’m not satisfied with my life in its current state. That’s not to say I’m not happy, because I am. I love my husband and my two beautiful daughters, but I’m not satisfied with the wife and mother that I’m being for them.

My journey may not turn out the way that I think and there may be twists and turns that I can’t possibly plan for, but I need to find a way to turn my thoughts around. This atmosphere of negativity that I’ve lived in for so long desperately needs to change and I believe that talking to myself here helps me. A sort of self-therapy where I work out my issues and come to terms with my past.

It’s not a journey that I expect to make alone. Even if no one else reads this, I know that God is always on my side. You don’t have to agree, I can’t make you from the other side of a screen, but God is my hope in a broken world. We broke it. Only He can fix it.

I don’t talk about Him enough in this blog and that needs to change. He is part of me and has molded the person that I am and who I hope to become. My faith is a road map, or more appropriately it’s like a GPS voice that gives me turn by turn directions. I’m not precisely sure where I will end up, but I know it will be where I’m supposed to go because I have faith in that voice to take me the right way.

The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue. That leads me to wonder what the power of the written word is. What is written word, other than speech that’s been jotted down? Does the written word carry as much power as the tongue itself, or even more?

Suddenly this keyboard seems very big and heavy. Even if no one reads these words, they carry meaning for me as I write them. Sometimes writing down a painful truth makes my heart ache. Sometimes I feel lighter as I delete a sentence. If I write something that surprises me, I’m amazed because… where in the world did that come from? The answer can be one of two things, either it’s something from down deep that I was trying to ignore, or it was some kind of divine revelation.

Writing can bring about a lot of things for me. I discover so much during the process, more about myself, more about how I really feel, and sometimes more about who I am meant to be. We can lie to ourselves, tell ourselves that we’re fine when we’re really crumbling on the inside. We can also tell ourselves that we’re worthless and that we will never be important to anyone, when the truth is you could be a person who saves someone’s life (whether literally or figuratively).

This blog becomes something more to me whenever I come here. I write and something inside me changes, if only ever so slightly. Whether I am pulling myself up or bringing myself down depends on the words, but there is a transformation that happens between the start and the end of each post.

You the reader may not see it. You may not know about the seven paragraphs that I deleted that were ugly and full of pain. You may not know about the realization I made in paragraph eight that changed the course of this blog entirely. You may not know about those things, but I hope that in the end this blog is something that might uplift you the same way that writing it has done for me.

My day went from gloomy to sunny as I wrote here today. My prayer is that I can pass some of this sunshine on to you, to bring some light to this dark world. And maybe tomorrow I’ll bring back the jokes and try to stop taking myself so seriously. 😛

 

Staring Contest — March 7, 2016

Staring Contest

I’ve been told that if you don’t know where you are going, you’ll get there. Meaning that if you have no destination that you will end up going nowhere.

On the other side of that coin, if you have a destination but your plan for getting there is either incomplete or unrealistic you probably won’t make it. That cute saying about “shoot for the moon and at least you will land among the stars” seems silly to me since I know that stars are actually much farther away than the moon. Technicality, yes, but it takes the motivation out of it because it just sounds cliche.

Sometimes what I need to remember is just to put your head down and work. As crazy as that sounds to most people, it’s more motivating to me to just see something getting done. It might be a small step, but I have something I can show people other than a plan or a goal.

For me planning is easy. Setting goals is easy. Making a master plan for my life to get me from point A to point B is a breeze! Problem is that then I get intimidated by my plan. The goal seems too far away and I get bogged down looking at mile one of a 100 mile journey.

I want to be at mile 100. I want the goal. I want to be at the finish line right now. So then I try to speed up the plan, shortcut to the goal. This never works, and more likely I just derail the plan altogether.

My best solution? Just work. Stop tracking how far away the goal is and just do something for today. Draw something, write something, just get something done. A lot of little somethings will eventually add up to a bigger something.

I am not saying this is what everyone should do, but for me I feel like I’ve read one too many self-help books. I keep trying to find shortcuts to success and I haven’t found one yet. There is no magic bullet, there is no fairy godmother, and there is no spoon.

So I’m just going to stare reality in the face and get going.

I Have Dreams… Too Many Dreams — March 4, 2016

I Have Dreams… Too Many Dreams

Life is funny. Just when you are SURE you know what you are doing (which, let’s be honest, should have been the first clue that you’re doing something wrong, how can you be certain about anything?), that’s when life throws you a curve ball.

I have been an avid fan of the “live your dream” mentality. The mentality that says you have one true purpose for being on this earth. A calling, a destiny, a birthright, a reason to get up in the morning, something that ONLY YOU can do! Clearly I watch too many movies…

*insert sarcastic side glance*

Maybe it’s because I’m growing up (metaphorically as I’ve been “grown up” for a while now) but I’m starting to look at life differently. There are things that I do well, but is there one thing that I do better than anyone else. Not so far. My “dream” is pretty obscure these days and I don’t really know what I want.

I keep hoping I’ll land on it or that it will smack me in the face. I feel like a hungry person standing in front of the fridge, waiting for something delicious to start dancing around singing “pick me!” But it never does.

Once my dream was to be in theater. Once my dream was to be a singer. Once my dream was to be a world renowned sculptor. Once my dream was to be one of the Disney Princesses working at Disney World signing little girls autograph books.

I’d love to tell you that all these dreams came from the mind of a little girl whose age was still in single digits, but that is not the case. I actually tried to go to college for theater for about half a second. I’ve sung on stage as part of church worship teams and in church plays (granted this is a local church, but it was a really big one). I’ve sculpted pieces from polymer clay that people raved about, praising my eye for detail.

The Disney Princess one…. well… that one is a little too lofty to attempt. Apparently they have height and weight requirements and so forth.

There have been many, many smaller dreams in between. My current dream is to draw comics and put them up online, with the intention of collecting them into a self published book.

With all the other dreams that have come and gone, it’s really hard for me to believe that anything will stick. What I really want is to find a way to incorporate all of those things together. To somehow bring all the things that I’m passionate about together in one beautiful project that let’s me show the world all of who I am.

If all these pieces fit together somehow, then I am a terrible puzzler. Puzzle putter-togetherer. Puzzle person. What would you call that? Whatever you call it, I’m apparently bad at it, lol.

Maybe I could sculpt some ball-jointed dolls… use them to make a comic by posing them and taking pictures… sing to make background music… and my theater would just help me make everything more dramatic? (The Disney Princess thing doesn’t seem to work in any scenario.)

I can’t tell if this is brilliance or lunacy. As much as I want everyone to weigh in, this blog hasn’t received any comments yet so I won’t hold my breath, lol.

I’ll probably just keep mulling that one over. This is a terrible way to end this post, but I don’t have an answer so I can’t tell you what the answer is. I’ll try to keep you posted.

Deep Breath — March 3, 2016

Deep Breath

Okay. So maybe I need to rethink how I want to do this thing. Another week has gone by and I’m not meeting the standards that I have set for myself.

I tend to be very all or nothing. Either I stick to the diet plan and workout religiously, or I give up. Much like most people’s gym memberships, my grand plans go to waste.

Basically ever day that I’m not feeling SUPER AWESOME and like “LET’S DO THIS THING!” are days that could trigger my desire to quit. I’m a flight risk at this point.

And few people would know the difference, so there’s very little consequence if I were to just stop. No one would know but me, really, and I tend not to think highly of myself anyway so what’s the difference?

Somewhere deep inside of me there is a person screaming at me to get up.

I feel it once in a while, but that voice is faint. Years of negativity have dug it a dark cave to keep it hidden. The voice shouting at me to do something, be successful, and prove that I have something inside me worth sharing, has been overshadowed by the voice that casually never stops talking about my worthlessness.

Let’s call them “success voice” and “fail voice”, or SV and FV for short. SV is small, but determined. She doesn’t give up, she doesn’t surrender, she’s the hard worker who doesn’t give up even when her tired limbs ache. FV’s main advantage is stubbornness and that morbid curiosity that we all have to look at the negative things in life.

As corny as this might sound, I believe that we all have these voices inside of us. The key is which one we allow to prosper and which one we suppress. Sometimes we learn these habits from our parents and they become hard to shake.

I know the story doesn’t have to end there. It’s never too late.

SV has the will to win. I just need to tune in to her voice. I need to feed that part of my brain and give myself whatever corny pep talks I need to until that voice is running like a freight train through my head, stomping FV in her wake!

CORNY MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER ACTIVATE!

Sailor Moon eat your heart out, my transformation sequence involves a POWER SUIT!

SailorSpeaker

Oh my goodness, lol…

Goals, What Goals? — March 1, 2016

Goals, What Goals?

Well, last week’s goals got derailed. I haven’t worked out a weekly schedule and I really need to. I need to plan ahead so that comics and blogging have a spot everyday no matter what else is going on.

DON’T JUDGE ME YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

No but honestly… it’s pretty easy for me to get discouraged. I can make plans and goals all day long, but I’m a creator and my fuel is knowing that someone is seeing the work I do. Whether that is writing, drawing, or any other thing I create (like crochet, paper mache, clay, or other odd craft I picked up that week).

I don’t need applause or accolades (not that they aren’t appreciated), but just knowing that someone is expecting my work is enough to keep me going.

That being said, I know I just started this blog. I don’t know how to let anyone know it’s here. I’m not a suave social networker, I barely have a twitter and I hate Facebook, so I don’t know how to cast a net to let people know that this blog is active and going.

I check my stats obsessively, it’s stupid but I can seem to help it. I stare at those zeros multiple times a day. Zero views, zero comments, zero likes. Zero, zero,zero. Zero.

Some people would say something about making art for art’s sake, just for you and not to care about whether anyone sees it or not. I think that idea is silly. What artist makes things and then just shoves them in a closet? We make art to share it!

There’s a big difference between sharing your art and peddling it for pats on the back or to get paid. I want people to see it, I’m not asking for anything beyond that. I find myself wishing this site didn’t have stats. Then I could pretend that someone is reading.

I’m sulking, I know. It’s only been a couple of weeks and this is blog post #9. I’m not even in double digits yet. I haven’t posted a comic yet. I’ve barely done anything. So what am I upset about? Emotions don’t always make sense.

What I do know is that I need a new source of motivation. I want to post comics and get something DONE! But I have to get the idea of those zeros out of my head so I can move forward. It’s far too early to let that stop me. Otherwise I will never get anywhere and that is not what I want to happen.

Sorry for the rant. I know this is not entertaining for anyone, but I am operating under the idea that no one is reading at the moment. So I’m going to write whatever comes to mind for now. It certainly can’t make me lose readers at this point. Heh… TuT

Ava and May p. 1 — February 24, 2016

Ava and May p. 1

AvaMay01a

It isn’t much but I wanted to put up what I finished today. I have more to clean and make pretty for you all ( I may just edit this post later when those are done). I would adore any thoughts or feedback on these characters. Thanks guys!

Comics Tomorrow Then… —

Comics Tomorrow Then…

I drew a comic for you all, but it’s not ready and I have to go to bed now. Boo.

Long story short, I had to get my computer to communicate with my scanner and that was harder than I anticipated, lol.

But I got the first of three pages scanned and tomorrow I will finish scanning and cleaning. I will get it posted as soon as I can, so look forward to that!

Just a fair warning, this is not a super polished comic. My art is still amateur and I’ve got a long way to go, so I hope what I post tomorrow doesn’t disappoint anyone. On the other hand, if I downplay it then maybe I will surprise you? A little? Idk, lol.

Anyway, comics tomorrow. Goodnight for now internet world! ❤

My Dreams — February 23, 2016

My Dreams

Lately I’ve been drawn to a lot of encouraging talk. Things like “you can achieve anything that you dream” and “don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today”. I don’t think this is a coincidence seeing as how I’m trying to push myself to do something I haven’t done before with this blog and my comics.

These messages keep finding their way to me and make me wonder if there is something to this dream of mine. I keep finding examples of people who have found relative success doing similar things (we’re not talking mansions in Hollywood here, but doing what they love for a living, meager though it may be).

It’s all adding up to the fact that I can do this. I can make this happen, and I can make this work. It’s not about luck, it’s not about innate ability, it is about hard work and determination.

I know that I can draw comics, I’ve done it many times. I’ve gotten people to laugh and even to become a bit emotional with comics I’ve done in the past. And those weren’t even comics that I’m proud of, I just wanted to draw something. Anything.

There’s a Chinese proverb, and forgive me if I paraphrase, that goes something like “the man who rises before six am, 360 days a year, never fails to make his family rich.” The idea being that anyone who puts that much time and effort into a thing is unlikely to fail.

Can you still fail if you wake up at six am every day for a year? Of course, but I think the idea here is a mindset change, not a magic number for when you happen to get out of bed. Our comfort zones are our biggest enemies and more often than not they are the thing keeping us from the life we really want.

I’m ready for a change.