Doing this blog might seem like a funny way to become a better wife and mother. I’m not satisfied with my life in its current state. That’s not to say I’m not happy, because I am. I love my husband and my two beautiful daughters, but I’m not satisfied with the wife and mother that I’m being for them.
My journey may not turn out the way that I think and there may be twists and turns that I can’t possibly plan for, but I need to find a way to turn my thoughts around. This atmosphere of negativity that I’ve lived in for so long desperately needs to change and I believe that talking to myself here helps me. A sort of self-therapy where I work out my issues and come to terms with my past.
It’s not a journey that I expect to make alone. Even if no one else reads this, I know that God is always on my side. You don’t have to agree, I can’t make you from the other side of a screen, but God is my hope in a broken world. We broke it. Only He can fix it.
I don’t talk about Him enough in this blog and that needs to change. He is part of me and has molded the person that I am and who I hope to become. My faith is a road map, or more appropriately it’s like a GPS voice that gives me turn by turn directions. I’m not precisely sure where I will end up, but I know it will be where I’m supposed to go because I have faith in that voice to take me the right way.
The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue. That leads me to wonder what the power of the written word is. What is written word, other than speech that’s been jotted down? Does the written word carry as much power as the tongue itself, or even more?
Suddenly this keyboard seems very big and heavy. Even if no one reads these words, they carry meaning for me as I write them. Sometimes writing down a painful truth makes my heart ache. Sometimes I feel lighter as I delete a sentence. If I write something that surprises me, I’m amazed because… where in the world did that come from? The answer can be one of two things, either it’s something from down deep that I was trying to ignore, or it was some kind of divine revelation.
Writing can bring about a lot of things for me. I discover so much during the process, more about myself, more about how I really feel, and sometimes more about who I am meant to be. We can lie to ourselves, tell ourselves that we’re fine when we’re really crumbling on the inside. We can also tell ourselves that we’re worthless and that we will never be important to anyone, when the truth is you could be a person who saves someone’s life (whether literally or figuratively).
This blog becomes something more to me whenever I come here. I write and something inside me changes, if only ever so slightly. Whether I am pulling myself up or bringing myself down depends on the words, but there is a transformation that happens between the start and the end of each post.
You the reader may not see it. You may not know about the seven paragraphs that I deleted that were ugly and full of pain. You may not know about the realization I made in paragraph eight that changed the course of this blog entirely. You may not know about those things, but I hope that in the end this blog is something that might uplift you the same way that writing it has done for me.
My day went from gloomy to sunny as I wrote here today. My prayer is that I can pass some of this sunshine on to you, to bring some light to this dark world. And maybe tomorrow I’ll bring back the jokes and try to stop taking myself so seriously. 😛